If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My daily affirmation
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.