This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.