My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait