Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah