Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You Might Also Like
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Not all heroes wear capes…