“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another