Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*