i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Breaking news:
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.