Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.