I could NOT have put it better myself.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.