If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”