A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.