A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]