Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
You Might Also Like
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
This fish is cracking me up
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.