My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever