I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Risking my life for fun.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”