I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.