me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
an airline just for babies.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.