I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
she has a point
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop