It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.