I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance