*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The funk soul brother
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
This one’s “Alex”.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?