I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
You Might Also Like
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
@ candidates for local office
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light