I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.