My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣