Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You Might Also Like
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
✌️
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are