*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me too, bag. Me too….
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.