Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
me and my fake scenarios
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.