My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.