Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.