“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.