Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My beach vacation Google searches
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.