A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You Might Also Like
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Breaking news:
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?