After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down