I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
This makes total sense…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
#catsoftwitter
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.