if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
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I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]