My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.