Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.