*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”