1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Lube but for my dry humor.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”