*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.