To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I feel it
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
me, too, girl. me, too.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.