Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
You Might Also Like
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.