Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up