Beware of the dog..
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.