I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You Might Also Like
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When news reporters do sports stories
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is