I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers