My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally