Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
He wanted to make sure😂
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.