I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Is….Is this an option?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”